HELLO DEAFNESS, MY OLD FRIEND. I’VE COME TO SCREAM AT YOU AGAIN.
I, like my father, am obsessed with technological gadetry of the 3rd, 4th, 5th and umpteenth kind, and as a result I was able to own one of the very first Sony Discmans (circa 1980)….you know the kind the ones that were about as thick as a book, couldn’t be subjected to any type of vibration, single laser, zero times oversampling, and the crappiest NiCad battery you’ve ever seen. Still for a piece of equipement that’s nearly a quarter century old, and probably should be in a museum, I’m pretty impressed that it even works. Lucky me, that’s my home stereo system–My live in girlfriend is very sweet and kind and makes no fun of my equipment, as it serves its purpose and gets the job done.
I’ve managed to accumulate nearly 700 audio CDs–I can’t belive you have to specify these days–over the past 23 years, the majority of which came into my possession through my affiliations with certian radio stations and record labels over the years. That being said not everything in my collection is good, though at some point in my life it all did seem to be just that. Today I tried to find something reasonable to which I could listen, but I was abandoned by every bastion of good taste that could be. Knowing full well that my CD collection once got me through university, exams, all night drinking binges, strip clubs, high speed car chases, breakups, depressions, getting back togethers, breaking ups again, the endless summer 1991, Daytona Beach 1992, all my buddies stags and weddings, and I was sure I’d find something. After all these were the sounds of my life….
I closed my eyes and randomly drew a CD. If it was good once then it should be good now, right? I put it in, and screamed “What the hell is this?” promptly took the CD out and dropped it on the floor. I looked at the case and it was some infernal band I used to enjoy called The House of Love – Album: Babe Rainbow…what was wrong with me…I remember thrashing about to such great hits as You Don’t Understand, and Philly Phile…but this was terrible…I’m not getting old yet am I? I like Eminem, Christina Aguilera, Michael Jackson…oh god I am getting old and into the mainstream that I used to hate so much…naaaaaaaaaah…I still hate ’em.
I picked another CD and hoped that at least it would have stood the test of time. Nope.
And another. Nope
And another. Nope.
Shit I owned 700 of these things what the hell am I going to do with them. There are only a few that actually still fit me well, but the rest need a serious asskicking. In the end I did something with a few of them that not only made me happy, but made me jump for joy like a man able to suck his own dick–or at least jump in a circle of snakes all eating each other’s tails..no wait that was my Benzene molecule dream–and that was to create my own home pyrotechnical display.
PREPARATION OF YOUR VERY OWN HOME PYROTECHNICAL DISPLAY
1 CD with case and inserts separated, of your least favorite band
First ensure that the CD has been washed, and is free of dirt on the non silk screened side. Place CD silkscreened side face down in the centre (piss off I’m Canadian and that’s how we spell it). Close microwave. Set power to high. Set time to 3 seconds. NOTE: We have tried on many occasions to achieve different effects by adjusting the time, however the optimal duration in the microwave is NO MORE THAN 3 SECONDS–go under and nothing happens, go over and bad things happen. Press start (or begin if your microwave is one of those non microsoft ones.)
Stand back. Watch and enjoy the display.
At the home pyrotechnician’s discretion they may take the CD inserts and case, and set fire to both of them in the microwave once the pyrotechnical display has ended.
Serves: As many people as you can cram within the minimum safe distance from your microwave.
WE DO NOT RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS—that was for the wankers reading this who might actually want to try something stupid…you’ll burn down your house…this is just humour…I’m breaking up a lame story about my even lamer CD collection with it. Please don’t sue me for anything. It really can’t be my fault if you’re that dumb, it’s gotta be genetic.
Hmmm(n)…so what did I learn? My CD collection is crap, and I’ve got about 700 coasters in my entertainment room (which is the 2 foot by 2 foot space in front of my relic of a Discman.) I probably should get around to picking up some new ones, but that’s only going to happen if somone puts out an album worthy of a non-home pyrotechnical display.
And that’s not likely to happen any time soon.
So until then happy microwaving….Spear Britney…who the fuck likes her music anyway?